10-12 hours in four days

i need to go to school tomorrow and i am most deff not excited about it at all my teacher is really mad i havnt called her in days and i blew off the interveiw 4 times and well prolly blew my chances at this internship i really wanted but i just couldnt get out of bed ive been drowning in y own pathetic thoughts i need to get out of my own head ive been spending way to much time with myself you would think after being molested and raped and the raped again i wouldnt be to fond of sex but stranglyi love it and crave it and theres got to be somethng wrong with me right what kind of person am i thats prolly why ugh i cant even say it i had that orgasm how could i tell that to someone thats something that eats me up inside all the time one of the most painfull parts about it my head feels like its about to fucking explode i just really hope it dosnt because that would be the end of it i really tried to tell karissa what happened and whats been going on ut it was to hard i couldnt even get the conversation started it would put me in such an awkward position i wrote her note explaining myself but also begging not to even mention the fact that she knows or ask any questions i have yet to give it to her i feel like it would just be to weird i could say anything on her you dont know who i am what i look like or where i live you dont know me you dont see me everyday you dont know anything about me and its great otherwise i wouldnt write anything that i thought down i prolly wouldnt even have a blog ata ll and if i did it would prolly be very boring

so its 409 in the morning and im still not even half asleep and im not sure how much longer i can go eith out sleep dont get me wrong ive slept a few hours here and there but right now if memory serves me right ive slept a total of 10-12 hours in 4 days and im not really sure how healthy it is but i can imagine it prolly isnt to good mentally im a drained emotionally im done pyshicallly im beat i wish someone could understand what im going through i need this to end everything

happy high

I get high to get happy and drink to forget but the words that you left me with are hard to forget it still stings and burns my heart to see yer face memories we have that nothing could erase you held my hand you held my heart and then so suddenly tore it apart you made me laugh sometimes I'd cry but I always loved standing by your side no longer together well forever be apart I just need you know you still hold my heart.

so i have a 20 year old sister and a 16 year old sister i am "the middle chid" my little sister happens to be overweight but shes amazing and wouldnt and couldnt hurt a fly my older sister on the other hand is a bitch and thinks everyone should take her jokes she messaged a friend wel not really a friend but i girl i know and see pretty often and starting talking "shit"i was clear when i told her not to but she disregairded what i had to say and now has started a war something i dodnt want to deal with right now she thinks its hysterical and is getting a huge kick out of it while for me its just a huge pain in the asss now i always stick up for my sister im the first one to freak out even over react most of the time but in a situation like this i know how to step back this girl we are now alll fighting with made a mistake by calling my little sister fat to my older sister. but i know her and its not worth it i called her and told she dosnt have the right to pass judgment on my sister but ive ecountered it so many times with some many different people ive relized it might always be that way people are ignorant and they say mean things and do mean thing s to hurt the feelings of starangers and as sad as it is i cant change how everyone in this world looks at overweight people. i could try my hardest but i cant change everyones mind. all i know is my sister is a great person and whoever knows her is lucky .

on another note my day was well it sucked as it usually does. i want to telll my friend ive decided its just what i should do right? whats a best friend for if not to talk to but is it a good idea can i actually toleartate that i would have to speak about what happened i know i want to but do i have too? i just want to be better i have been on edge for days now someone poked me literally poked me and i freaked out. i got upo and i hit him i looked like an asshole over reaccting about some dumb shit. ughi dont know if i can do it i keep telling myself i can but i really dont think im capable of telling that story outloud or any thing other then what i told her months ago i neeed helppp! i neeed to get out of my brain.guess im on my own.

everything i used to be and belive in

I still havnt slept and I just found out my exboyfriend told everyone about my cousin Frankie who I mentioned in onemy other blogs raped me and molested me for about 7 years who knows it could have been longer I was so young but its not something im proud of and flaunt to the world I only told him because when I was in bed with him I had a flash back and well there really no way around it I want to kill him right now how does he have the right just cos we arnt together anymore doesn’t mean anything I trusted him not to tell now everyone knows this is something I just really didn’t need right now vie been going through so much im with all my friends and all I wannna do is be home right now but I cant go home its the only place I want to be in my bed in the dark alone in my room. I think after I smoke ill be okay I count the seconds till im high its the only thing that keeps me alive right now onlly thing is i dont get high like i used to i started using coke not alot but i just dont want to become addicted I just feel like im losing everythin i used to belive iin and be this whole entire experience has changed me i am lying to my family and friends i pretend im okay when really i think i may be dieing inside. karissa asked what happened to me last night why i got so upset and i felt bad we tell eacthother everything but i couldnt do it i cant talk about it its the weirdest thing i had to beg her to leave it be. i know shes concerned and loves me and is just worried but this is something im not sure i can ever talk about this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life itll alwyas be there and i want to tell her i want to tell her so bad but i cant bring myself to do it she tells me eveyrthing and i cant share this with her im such a bad person. and friend

fuck my life

last night me and my friends were drinking i never get openly depressed or cry or anything like that but last night idk i just broke down in the bathroom and cried i guess i was in there for a while and my friend came in to check on me and i just cried it was the most embarassing thing ive ever done to myself im not even sure what i said or if i said anything at all i hope i didnt say anything that im going to regret i just want to crawl in ball and die and just for all of this hard stuff to be over for everything to be the way it used to be i just neeeed everything to stop all of my crazy thoughts and feeelings and crying uncontroably i need to be someone else just for a day i need to be happy just for one day

worthless

i still havnt slept and im fed up i wish i felt worthy of anything i just spoke to a freind of mine who i havnt spoken to you in a long time and i could tell her anything and didi knew she could help me with out freaking out a judgeing me but he dosnt get it she thinks i can just feel worthy of anything she wants me to get tested for stds hiv aids but i dont wanna know if i have anything i dont care i could careless it dosnt matter he took my body sanity he mays well have my health as well it dosnt matter nothing matters to me any,ore how could it he was right if i mattered if i was worth aything someone would have come helped me they would have saved me for the tourture he put me though i screamed and cried and begged but nothing happened so id rather not know if he gave me anthing i just dont care i just want to stop thinking about him i feel like im repeating myself but i just i cant get him off my mind i cant function i cant breathe.im worthless im stupid im a slut i want it i asked for it.i want to die

write away the memory

its been three days and ive gotten a total of 5 hours of sleep. i have an interview for an intership tomorrow and a 7 page report that was due last month and a day too make up at the daycare i work at.im so ready for sleep im so ready for this to be over. i was in the car today with my friend and she thinks shes depressed she went to her dad and spoke to him about it because she wants help. why cant it be that simple for me. i passed the park where it happened today and i cried on the bus i cried i thought i was getting good at not crying in public unexcpectdly but i guess i was wrong i get so nerveouse i need to be better i need to be how i used to when i laughed at things were funny.and smiled when someone said something stupid i need to talk to someone but i cant i need advise but how do you get advise from someone with out talking because i cant talk about it i cant say it out loud but i can write i can write everything down and hope that writing will help but it dosnt writing the memory down dosnt make it go away it dosnt make it dissappear but i wish it would . it would be so much easier then sitting in my own thoughts day in and day out im so confused scared worried depressed and anxious all the time and unbeliveably tired i want to write away my thoughts nightmares and feelings