10-12 hours in four days

i need to go to school tomorrow and i am most deff not excited about it at all my teacher is really mad i havnt called her in days and i blew off the interveiw 4 times and well prolly blew my chances at this internship i really wanted but i just couldnt get out of bed ive been drowning in y own pathetic thoughts i need to get out of my own head ive been spending way to much time with myself you would think after being molested and raped and the raped again i wouldnt be to fond of sex but stranglyi love it and crave it and theres got to be somethng wrong with me right what kind of person am i thats prolly why ugh i cant even say it i had that orgasm how could i tell that to someone thats something that eats me up inside all the time one of the most painfull parts about it my head feels like its about to fucking explode i just really hope it dosnt because that would be the end of it i really tried to tell karissa what happened and whats been going on ut it was to hard i couldnt even get the conversation started it would put me in such an awkward position i wrote her note explaining myself but also begging not to even mention the fact that she knows or ask any questions i have yet to give it to her i feel like it would just be to weird i could say anything on her you dont know who i am what i look like or where i live you dont know me you dont see me everyday you dont know anything about me and its great otherwise i wouldnt write anything that i thought down i prolly wouldnt even have a blog ata ll and if i did it would prolly be very boring

so its 409 in the morning and im still not even half asleep and im not sure how much longer i can go eith out sleep dont get me wrong ive slept a few hours here and there but right now if memory serves me right ive slept a total of 10-12 hours in 4 days and im not really sure how healthy it is but i can imagine it prolly isnt to good mentally im a drained emotionally im done pyshicallly im beat i wish someone could understand what im going through i need this to end everything

happy high

I get high to get happy and drink to forget but the words that you left me with are hard to forget it still stings and burns my heart to see yer face memories we have that nothing could erase you held my hand you held my heart and then so suddenly tore it apart you made me laugh sometimes I'd cry but I always loved standing by your side no longer together well forever be apart I just need you know you still hold my heart.

so i have a 20 year old sister and a 16 year old sister i am "the middle chid" my little sister happens to be overweight but shes amazing and wouldnt and couldnt hurt a fly my older sister on the other hand is a bitch and thinks everyone should take her jokes she messaged a friend wel not really a friend but i girl i know and see pretty often and starting talking "shit"i was clear when i told her not to but she disregairded what i had to say and now has started a war something i dodnt want to deal with right now she thinks its hysterical and is getting a huge kick out of it while for me its just a huge pain in the asss now i always stick up for my sister im the first one to freak out even over react most of the time but in a situation like this i know how to step back this girl we are now alll fighting with made a mistake by calling my little sister fat to my older sister. but i know her and its not worth it i called her and told she dosnt have the right to pass judgment on my sister but ive ecountered it so many times with some many different people ive relized it might always be that way people are ignorant and they say mean things and do mean thing s to hurt the feelings of starangers and as sad as it is i cant change how everyone in this world looks at overweight people. i could try my hardest but i cant change everyones mind. all i know is my sister is a great person and whoever knows her is lucky .

on another note my day was well it sucked as it usually does. i want to telll my friend ive decided its just what i should do right? whats a best friend for if not to talk to but is it a good idea can i actually toleartate that i would have to speak about what happened i know i want to but do i have too? i just want to be better i have been on edge for days now someone poked me literally poked me and i freaked out. i got upo and i hit him i looked like an asshole over reaccting about some dumb shit. ughi dont know if i can do it i keep telling myself i can but i really dont think im capable of telling that story outloud or any thing other then what i told her months ago i neeed helppp! i neeed to get out of my brain.guess im on my own.

everything i used to be and belive in

I still havnt slept and I just found out my exboyfriend told everyone about my cousin Frankie who I mentioned in onemy other blogs raped me and molested me for about 7 years who knows it could have been longer I was so young but its not something im proud of and flaunt to the world I only told him because when I was in bed with him I had a flash back and well there really no way around it I want to kill him right now how does he have the right just cos we arnt together anymore doesn’t mean anything I trusted him not to tell now everyone knows this is something I just really didn’t need right now vie been going through so much im with all my friends and all I wannna do is be home right now but I cant go home its the only place I want to be in my bed in the dark alone in my room. I think after I smoke ill be okay I count the seconds till im high its the only thing that keeps me alive right now onlly thing is i dont get high like i used to i started using coke not alot but i just dont want to become addicted I just feel like im losing everythin i used to belive iin and be this whole entire experience has changed me i am lying to my family and friends i pretend im okay when really i think i may be dieing inside. karissa asked what happened to me last night why i got so upset and i felt bad we tell eacthother everything but i couldnt do it i cant talk about it its the weirdest thing i had to beg her to leave it be. i know shes concerned and loves me and is just worried but this is something im not sure i can ever talk about this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life itll alwyas be there and i want to tell her i want to tell her so bad but i cant bring myself to do it she tells me eveyrthing and i cant share this with her im such a bad person. and friend

fuck my life

last night me and my friends were drinking i never get openly depressed or cry or anything like that but last night idk i just broke down in the bathroom and cried i guess i was in there for a while and my friend came in to check on me and i just cried it was the most embarassing thing ive ever done to myself im not even sure what i said or if i said anything at all i hope i didnt say anything that im going to regret i just want to crawl in ball and die and just for all of this hard stuff to be over for everything to be the way it used to be i just neeeed everything to stop all of my crazy thoughts and feeelings and crying uncontroably i need to be someone else just for a day i need to be happy just for one day

worthless

i still havnt slept and im fed up i wish i felt worthy of anything i just spoke to a freind of mine who i havnt spoken to you in a long time and i could tell her anything and didi knew she could help me with out freaking out a judgeing me but he dosnt get it she thinks i can just feel worthy of anything she wants me to get tested for stds hiv aids but i dont wanna know if i have anything i dont care i could careless it dosnt matter he took my body sanity he mays well have my health as well it dosnt matter nothing matters to me any,ore how could it he was right if i mattered if i was worth aything someone would have come helped me they would have saved me for the tourture he put me though i screamed and cried and begged but nothing happened so id rather not know if he gave me anthing i just dont care i just want to stop thinking about him i feel like im repeating myself but i just i cant get him off my mind i cant function i cant breathe.im worthless im stupid im a slut i want it i asked for it.i want to die

write away the memory

its been three days and ive gotten a total of 5 hours of sleep. i have an interview for an intership tomorrow and a 7 page report that was due last month and a day too make up at the daycare i work at.im so ready for sleep im so ready for this to be over. i was in the car today with my friend and she thinks shes depressed she went to her dad and spoke to him about it because she wants help. why cant it be that simple for me. i passed the park where it happened today and i cried on the bus i cried i thought i was getting good at not crying in public unexcpectdly but i guess i was wrong i get so nerveouse i need to be better i need to be how i used to when i laughed at things were funny.and smiled when someone said something stupid i need to talk to someone but i cant i need advise but how do you get advise from someone with out talking because i cant talk about it i cant say it out loud but i can write i can write everything down and hope that writing will help but it dosnt writing the memory down dosnt make it go away it dosnt make it dissappear but i wish it would . it would be so much easier then sitting in my own thoughts day in and day out im so confused scared worried depressed and anxious all the time and unbeliveably tired i want to write away my thoughts nightmares and feelings

half a brain and half a heart

i havnt slept in days when ever i close my eyes i can hear him talking to me. wisherpering to me it makes my skin crawl and my heart stop. sometimes im afraid if i open my eyes he will be there. im terrified. and tired i rerun what happened to me thrugh my head constanly and if im not thinking aboutthat im turning around behinde me to make sure noone is following me.i need all of these feelings to stop and just go away im not sure how much longer ive got in me the days are getting to tough and longer i need a break i need a full nights sleep i need to be whole again because it feeels like im walking around with half a brain and half a heart i dont even feel like a person. i feel like a monster frankie is the lasst thing on my mind frankie is my older cousin who raped and molseted me for almost 7 years i was finally starting to except it happened and forgive frankie well maybe not forgive but now i relize what im worth. wish i had someone to talk to but noone understands it noone really knows except my bestfriend who dosnt even know the half of it how could i tell every gory embarassing detail i cant even say it to myself while writing my firs blog i cried hysterically when i try and talk my words disappear. i need to get olut of this hell i need to be who i was before i belong to him. i dont see how this can get any better.

not so sure

im not exactually sure how to start im new to blogging but this is kind of a lsat resort its my story.

you see i can not talk to anyone about whats going on i dont trust anyone and i cant feel anythinganymore. i am 18 years old and almost a year ago while i ws comng hime from a long night of drinking and smokeing both pot and ciggerttes,well on this night i had no patenice to wait for the buss so i decided to walk.theres a block with not to much night life happening and a nature center. ive done this walk a million times before. but this time it was different this time i was not alone. almost passed the middle of the block i heard someone walking behind me i didnt think much of it because it was not that late out yet. i continued walking and smoking my ciggertte. he started to walk faster and still stupidly i did not see anything wrong with it. until he grabbed me and pulled me out of sight.i wasnt sure what i was going to do i wasnt sure if he was going to rape me or worse kill me. or both. i just knew i wanted to be home. he oulled oit hus knife. and told me to shut up i was giving him a hedach.i couldnt breathe he was laying on top of me. breathing on me touching me and then hhe was inside of me. inside of me over and over again. speaking to me as if i wanted it. i did want it i asked for it i didnt fight to hard maybe i could have gotten out frm under him.tell me you love me he whispered so i did tell me you want it and i said it this was his play he ws the lead role asnd knew all his lines and he force fed me mine.then the strangest thing happened i actuallly had a orgasim. if i didnt want this how on earth did i get an orgasim. turn over you slut. i dint wnt to do it i knew what was happening he was going to kiill me this is it this is the end.then too my suprise i felt excrusiating pain but not from a knife entering my back or sliting my throat it was the worst pain ive felt in my life ive never felt anything like it. he analy raped me. why couldnt he just kill me alredy this was too painfull to baer pulls my head back and tells me what a good fre fuck i am the only thing im good for. then he wasnt inside me anymore. it was finally over no. no it wasnt because when he was done he said i did you now you do me and proceeded to shove his peis into my mouth i cried i gaged noone could love you your ugly yur a slutt you dirty bitch word of a stranger that would stick with me for what seems like for ever.illove yu though ill stay with you. i tried so hard not t throw up but this was my bgreaking point i threw up angrliy he zipped up spit on me then slapped me. love you see you soon.now it was finally over. i sat there for god knows how long crying. i layed there wishing i would die.


ive never acttually told anyone this story i have a friend ive told but ive nevr told the story what actually happened to be that night.i need help biut i do not have the strength to say this out loud i can write it down and type it but as soonm as i think about talking about it i choke up i loose my voice and i cry uncontrolably.i just needed to tell my story.