everything i used to be and belive in

I still havnt slept and I just found out my exboyfriend told everyone about my cousin Frankie who I mentioned in onemy other blogs raped me and molested me for about 7 years who knows it could have been longer I was so young but its not something im proud of and flaunt to the world I only told him because when I was in bed with him I had a flash back and well there really no way around it I want to kill him right now how does he have the right just cos we arnt together anymore doesn’t mean anything I trusted him not to tell now everyone knows this is something I just really didn’t need right now vie been going through so much im with all my friends and all I wannna do is be home right now but I cant go home its the only place I want to be in my bed in the dark alone in my room. I think after I smoke ill be okay I count the seconds till im high its the only thing that keeps me alive right now onlly thing is i dont get high like i used to i started using coke not alot but i just dont want to become addicted I just feel like im losing everythin i used to belive iin and be this whole entire experience has changed me i am lying to my family and friends i pretend im okay when really i think i may be dieing inside. karissa asked what happened to me last night why i got so upset and i felt bad we tell eacthother everything but i couldnt do it i cant talk about it its the weirdest thing i had to beg her to leave it be. i know shes concerned and loves me and is just worried but this is something im not sure i can ever talk about this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life itll alwyas be there and i want to tell her i want to tell her so bad but i cant bring myself to do it she tells me eveyrthing and i cant share this with her im such a bad person. and friend